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About Deviant Official Beta Tester Samantha24/Female/United States Groups :iconthebrengiefanclub: TheBrengieFanClub
 
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Art I am Waiting On












































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So.  Today was awesome.  Let's go ahead and get the....more personal one out of the way first.  I went to the hospital today to check myself in for a voluntary 72 hour psych hold.  Because friends- I've got some issues.  Some serious issues.

Am I suicidal?  No.  I've thought about it- but not with any weight or anything.  I think everyone has thoughts like that sometimes, especially when they're super upset.  No, my issues are....okay, here's an example.  I go into the gas station to grab a drink.  While I'm standing in line, I notice the guy over by the coffee dispensers glances at me, but quickly looks away.  Now....a healthy human being thinks nothing of it.  Hell, they may never has noticed it in the first place.  But me?  That happens and I start thinking in my head, 'Omg that guy looked at me, but then looked away real quick to make it seem like he wasn't really looking at me....what if he was looking at me because he's chosen me as his first victim when he pulls out a gun and shoots up this place? What if he looked at me because he's deciding whether to follow me outside and rape me in an alley.  What if, after raping me in said alley, he kidnaps me and sells me into human sex trafficking, and I never see my son, my husband, or even Pennsylvania again?  What if that lady back in the chip aisle that gave me a snobby look when I walked in is his accomplice, and she was just there to lull me into a false sense of security, because they think women are less intimidating?'


Yeah.  That's what goes through my head. All.  The.  Fucking.  Time.  Not every now and then.  ALL the time.  I barely leave my home anymore because I'm terrified of everyone, everywhere.  And not just people- freak accidents.  I'm afraid I'll be walking down the sidewalk one day and a plane will stealthily land right on top of me.  Or a car that's driving down a straight road with veer and run me over.

OH!  Cars.  Cars are so bad for me.  Driving is something I haven't been able to really do...in so long.  Because it's all well and good to be paranoid and anxious in a store, where you can just leave.  But when you're on the highway, and there's someone behind you and you're thinking about how he's judging your driving, and you, and that he might at any moment pull out around you, pull over in front of you and slam his brakes, or pull up alongside you and pull out a gun and shoot you, or even just yell/scream/curse at you, or throw shit at you....that's....that's not okay.  Cause then I shake.  And then I can't hold the steering wheel.  And then I'm fucked.

So anyway.  That's why I checked myself in earlier today.  To start getting REAL  help with this shit.  Since I've been telling myself that I didn't need help for so long....or that if I ignored it hard enough it wasn't really there (that shit was there though.  That shit was so well established it had a condo, a 9-5 and a 401k).  

Ultimately however, after evaluating me they decided that I was not an immediate danger to myself or anyone else.  So they released me, but not before scheduling me to see a therapist and a psychologist.  I'm feeling really good about it all.


NOW.  On to the much much much better.

I got a job!  A GOOD fucking job!  I got a call this morning and the guy was like,

"So, we really love your resume....when could you start?"  
I was like, "Oh, well, uh...I guess I'd like the standard two weeks.  He said, "Uh huh, uh huh.  How about 1 week?"  I said I'd make it work.  Then their HR person emailed me new hire paperwork, I filled it in faxed it back, and he emailed me again saying, 'So....could you start Monday?"  and I said yes.  :D  So I start Monday at an administrative assistant position on a contract with the Air National Guard.  Making $21.90 an hour.  $21.90.  I'm still in shock of that.  That's...the most I've ever made.  I feel so....blessed?  But not in a religious sense.  I feel so lucky and fortunate.  That's unheard of for someone in this area that has no college experience.  SO excited!!!


I go to their office tomorrow to go over and sign my contract.  I so can't wait!

I also see a therapist tomorrow on my own, and later in the day Blake and I have our first session of marriage counseling.  Looking forward to working on some issues, and getting past them.  


Whether we ultimately are able to work through things and get back together, or if we work through things and decide to truly divorce- as long as we can be calm, reasonable, and remain friendly for the sake of our son- and for eachother (we've been a constant in eachother's lives for 10 years- it's hard to just have that person go away forever), I will be happy, and at peace.  -I- know that even if we did divorce, I won't die from it.  If it happened, I will love again.

And with that, I say goodnight.  Thank you again, over and over, for all the comments and concerns.  You guys are awesome, and your words make me smile.  :iconluloveplz:  
So, as some of you have already read, my husband asked me for a divorce recently.  I said I felt blindsided.  I did not lie.

But I shouldn't have been.  Now that the dust has settled, and the yelling/blaming/accusing has stopped, and I've had time to truly sit back and think, I realize just how willfully ignorant I was being.  We don't kiss eachother anymore.  We don't hug anymore.  We don't hold hands anymore.  We 'cuddle' to go to sleep, but realistically we just kind of lie against eachother.  Which is nice, and comfortable, but it's not romantic or passionate in any way.

I allowed myself to ignore all the signs.  Sure, I felt them.  We'd even talked about them before.  But I didn't want to look at myself- REALLY look at myself, and see what I was doing wrong.  That's not to say that Blake doesn't have plenty of shit he needs to work on- cause he's done plenty wrong too.  We are both at fault for allowing our relationship to fall into such a state of disrepair.

But from today onward, I am making myself a promise- well, fuck that, I suck ass at keeping promises.  A vow, I guess.  I vow to myself to never lie to myself again- to never allow myself to fall back into such a warm fuzzy place of complacency.

I've also vowed to myself that, in being honest with myself- and others- I will need to reduce my filter.  I've spent so much time and energy worrying about what other people may think of me.  Even here, on dA.  I hesitate to favorite certain things, or comment certain things, because I'm afraid of what people will think.  I'm afraid it doesn't fit the 'sweet' image that so many people have told me they think of when they think of the name Twitterlu.  That's of course not to say that I am not that person- but I also swear like a sailor, and I refuse to leave that out or apologize for that anymore.  I'm me.  Take it or leave it.

For now, Blake and I have agreed that we are separated.  We are going to live in separate homes for a while, until we can handle being room mates.  We have an appointment set up for marriage counseling (and I'll be seeing an additional separate therapist for my own set of issues---which is  story/novel for another time), and we are both calm, and concerned first and foremost with doing everything in our power to make life for our son comfortable, happy, and uninterrupted by our horseshit.  I spent the better part of yesterday making a real, honest to goodness professional resume (something I've put off for a long time), and a cover letter.  I put out probably...between 20-40 applications.  I got a call this morning and have an interview for an administrative assistant position, which I am very excited for.  And I've even been solicited for a few admin. assistant positions since I posted my resume- which feels awesome!

-start mini pity party mode-
I have had a total of 4 hours of sleep in the last....uh....well it was 48 hours this morning....so 60 hours now?  And I'm kind of in between the feeling of, if I actually go to sleep I'm afraid I won't wake up, and it's only a matter of hours before I fall over.  But I've tried many times now to close my eyes, and just sleep.  And it won't happen.  Also haven't been able to eat much- in the same amount of time I've had one burger, which I struggled with all night to not lose, and a piece of butter bread.
-end mini pity party mode-

Okay.  I'm going to go...I'd say sleep, but I know I'm not gonna sleep.  I'm gonna go play candy crush, and complain about how exhausted I am.  :3  

Thank you so much to one and all for your kind words/thoughts.  It means more to me than I have the capacity to explain.  Updates to come.

-Lu
My husband asked me for a divorce.  There was no real lead up.  We weren't arguing any more than our usual banter/bickering that we've done for years, which has almost evolved into it's own little mutated flirting.  We were snuggly and laughing on Friday night.  Saturday he took the baby and spent the day visiting his family- not something to cause alarm, he was helping them fix a car.  He came home Saturday and he was suddenly standoffish....clipped one word answers.  I pressed him for what was wrong after the baby was in bed, and after avoiding me for a while he said he was tired of us not getting along.  We talked about it for a bit, seemingly things were okay, but maybe still a bit tense.

Then today, boom.  I got the cliche 'we need to talk' thing....and four hours later my life is turned upside down.  He wants a divorce.  I don't.  But I lose.  Not...really sure what to do right now.  I'm alone in our apartment.  I've packed up a few totes worth of my things...plenty plenty more to go.  I'm a stay at home mom, or at least I was...so I don't currently have a job.  Gonna have to figure that out quick.

My son will not hurt for a place to stay, I know that.  I may be able to stay with my grandmother for a week or so to get things sorted out.

Today's not my favorite....and I have no idea where it goes from here.  All I know is that my chest feels hollow and raw.  


What little positive thoughts I can (barely) muster at the moment, I send out to you guys.  I hope your lives are going better, and that if you're able to be happy right now, that you are.  If you could send some warm fuzzy vibes back my way, I could sure use 'em.  

Thanks for reading....I'll keep you updated.
Hello!  It's been a long loooooong time.  Pregnancy and being a new first time mommy have really kicked my butt.  Here's the little one that's been sucking up all my time Dorian Michael Morrison by Twitterlu  Sweet Smile by Twitterlu


He's an absolutely amazing baby. :)  He's rarely fussy (although teething has been getting progressively more annoying...) and very sweet.  I love this kid to bits.  ^^  He'll be 9 months in a few days, and it's taken this long to finally feel like I can sit down and breathe, and get back to feeling like I'm my own person.  Being a parent is awesome, but it's really hard to remember that you used to be your own person with interests and hobbies....lol  As ridiculous as that sounds.  And it's hard to keep hold of that when you're spending all your time taking care of a tiny human.  

Anyway, I'm a stay at home mama for this beautiful little man, and now that he's getting a little more independent during the day, I have more free time, which means I can finally get back to doing things I enjoy.  I hope everyone's been well, I've missed being on here and chatting with lots of you!


I hope you're all having a great day!
So.  Today was awesome.  Let's go ahead and get the....more personal one out of the way first.  I went to the hospital today to check myself in for a voluntary 72 hour psych hold.  Because friends- I've got some issues.  Some serious issues.

Am I suicidal?  No.  I've thought about it- but not with any weight or anything.  I think everyone has thoughts like that sometimes, especially when they're super upset.  No, my issues are....okay, here's an example.  I go into the gas station to grab a drink.  While I'm standing in line, I notice the guy over by the coffee dispensers glances at me, but quickly looks away.  Now....a healthy human being thinks nothing of it.  Hell, they may never has noticed it in the first place.  But me?  That happens and I start thinking in my head, 'Omg that guy looked at me, but then looked away real quick to make it seem like he wasn't really looking at me....what if he was looking at me because he's chosen me as his first victim when he pulls out a gun and shoots up this place? What if he looked at me because he's deciding whether to follow me outside and rape me in an alley.  What if, after raping me in said alley, he kidnaps me and sells me into human sex trafficking, and I never see my son, my husband, or even Pennsylvania again?  What if that lady back in the chip aisle that gave me a snobby look when I walked in is his accomplice, and she was just there to lull me into a false sense of security, because they think women are less intimidating?'


Yeah.  That's what goes through my head. All.  The.  Fucking.  Time.  Not every now and then.  ALL the time.  I barely leave my home anymore because I'm terrified of everyone, everywhere.  And not just people- freak accidents.  I'm afraid I'll be walking down the sidewalk one day and a plane will stealthily land right on top of me.  Or a car that's driving down a straight road with veer and run me over.

OH!  Cars.  Cars are so bad for me.  Driving is something I haven't been able to really do...in so long.  Because it's all well and good to be paranoid and anxious in a store, where you can just leave.  But when you're on the highway, and there's someone behind you and you're thinking about how he's judging your driving, and you, and that he might at any moment pull out around you, pull over in front of you and slam his brakes, or pull up alongside you and pull out a gun and shoot you, or even just yell/scream/curse at you, or throw shit at you....that's....that's not okay.  Cause then I shake.  And then I can't hold the steering wheel.  And then I'm fucked.

So anyway.  That's why I checked myself in earlier today.  To start getting REAL  help with this shit.  Since I've been telling myself that I didn't need help for so long....or that if I ignored it hard enough it wasn't really there (that shit was there though.  That shit was so well established it had a condo, a 9-5 and a 401k).  

Ultimately however, after evaluating me they decided that I was not an immediate danger to myself or anyone else.  So they released me, but not before scheduling me to see a therapist and a psychologist.  I'm feeling really good about it all.


NOW.  On to the much much much better.

I got a job!  A GOOD fucking job!  I got a call this morning and the guy was like,

"So, we really love your resume....when could you start?"  
I was like, "Oh, well, uh...I guess I'd like the standard two weeks.  He said, "Uh huh, uh huh.  How about 1 week?"  I said I'd make it work.  Then their HR person emailed me new hire paperwork, I filled it in faxed it back, and he emailed me again saying, 'So....could you start Monday?"  and I said yes.  :D  So I start Monday at an administrative assistant position on a contract with the Air National Guard.  Making $21.90 an hour.  $21.90.  I'm still in shock of that.  That's...the most I've ever made.  I feel so....blessed?  But not in a religious sense.  I feel so lucky and fortunate.  That's unheard of for someone in this area that has no college experience.  SO excited!!!


I go to their office tomorrow to go over and sign my contract.  I so can't wait!

I also see a therapist tomorrow on my own, and later in the day Blake and I have our first session of marriage counseling.  Looking forward to working on some issues, and getting past them.  


Whether we ultimately are able to work through things and get back together, or if we work through things and decide to truly divorce- as long as we can be calm, reasonable, and remain friendly for the sake of our son- and for eachother (we've been a constant in eachother's lives for 10 years- it's hard to just have that person go away forever), I will be happy, and at peace.  -I- know that even if we did divorce, I won't die from it.  If it happened, I will love again.

And with that, I say goodnight.  Thank you again, over and over, for all the comments and concerns.  You guys are awesome, and your words make me smile.  :iconluloveplz:  

deviantID

Twitterlu
Samantha
United States
Hi everyone! My name is Samantha. :) I am no artist, but I love to watch all of you lovely people with talent!
I love all different kinds of art, but I think I'm most attracted to The Lion King fan art, and Disney style. I'm very friendly, so if you'd like to chat, or want me to check out your gallery, drop me a comment or a note. :3

Have a wonderful day! Pixel Commission: Twitterlu by RogueLottie
~Twitterlu
:iconluloveplz::iconblueheartplz::iconhummingbirdplz:-PC- Twitterlu by ThadiiusTwitterlu Pillow Chibi by PennyWereSkunkAnouk Pillow Chibi by PennyWereSkunkFreyr Pillow Icon by PennyWereSkunkKase Pillow Chibi by PennyWereSkunkKadahi Pillow Chibi by PennyWereSkunk
Do you love all things Twitterlu? Check out my fanclub! luloversunite.deviantart.com/

My characters:
Twitterlu icon by KarmaDashKase icon by KarmaDashKadahi icon by KarmaDashWendy icon by KarmaDashAkase icon by KarmaDashFreyr icon by KarmaDashDenali icon by KarmaDashTanuki icon by KarmaDashAnouk icon by KarmaDashTakata icon by KarmaDashJoy  icon by KarmaDashRipples icon by KarmaDashKyra icon by KarmaDashDune icon by KarmaDashHala icon by KarmaDashX icon by KarmaDashNyx icon by KarmaDashNuru icon by KarmaDashAidith icon by KarmaDashAdina icon by KarmaDashKhaz icon by KarmaDashFuru icon by KarmaDashRhakyr icon by KarmaDashUsagi icon by KarmaDashBaka icon by KarmaDashRazi icon by KarmaDashPenha icon by KarmaDashAsteria icon by KarmaDash

Deviant ID drawn by the amazing :iconchristinamandy: !

My birthday badge :thumb344352054:
:icondweebdanceplz::icondweebdanceplz: :icondweebdanceplz::icondweebdanceplz: :iconbunnyhugplz:

Current Residence: Lancaster, PA
Favourite genre of music: Hip/Hop I guess, though I listen to everything.
Favourite style of art: Disney
Favourite cartoon character: Mufasa.
Personal Quote: Never regret something that once made you smile.
Interests

Would anyone be interested in doing a collab contest with me? 

72%
47 deviants said Totally! That would be so fun!
14%
9 deviants said I would provide point prizes, and your part would either be A) Provide art prizes (if you're an artist), or B) split the cost of the point prizes with me (if you're not an artist).
11%
7 deviants said Eh, not really.
3%
2 deviants said Yes, but I have some questions! (comment below)

Comments


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:iconart-foxenbperry:
Art-FoxenBPerry Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
nnnnnnnyyyuuurrrr remember meeee?
Reply
:icontwitterlu:
Twitterlu Featured By Owner 3 days ago
Sure do!  How are you doing? :)
Reply
:iconart-foxenbperry:
Art-FoxenBPerry Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh snap hi! I'm good!.. just trying not to let depression take over my life.. other then that I'm good.. just living large heeeee you?
Reply
:iconscoredcactus:
ScoredCactus Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2016  Student General Artist
Thank u for the watch and fav :heart:
Reply
:icontwitterlu:
Twitterlu Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2016
You are most welcome. :)
Reply
:iconvanory:
Vanory Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot for the watch! :aww:
Reply
:iconryltha:
Ryltha Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2016   Digital Artist
Thanks! :hug:
Reply
:iconxandergirl96:
XanderGirl96 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2015
I miss you Sammy <3
Reply
:icontwitterlu:
Twitterlu Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2016
I've missed you too!  <3  How are you my dear?  
Reply
:iconxandergirl96:
XanderGirl96 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2016
I'm doing alright. how are you? hows the baby? I need more pictures!
Reply
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