So. Today was awesome. Let's go ahead and get the....more personal one out of the way first. I went to the hospital today to check myself in for a voluntary 72 hour psych hold. Because friends- I've got some issues. Some serious issues.
Am I suicidal? No. I've thought about it- but not with any weight or anything. I think everyone has thoughts like that sometimes, especially when they're super upset. No, my issues are....okay, here's an example. I go into the gas station to grab a drink. While I'm standing in line, I notice the guy over by the coffee dispensers glances at me, but quickly looks away. Now....a healthy human being thinks nothing of it. Hell, they may never has noticed it in the first place. But me? That happens and I start thinking in my head, 'Omg that guy looked at me, but then looked away real quick to make it seem like he wasn't really looking at me....what if he was looking at me because he's chosen me as his first victim when he pulls out a gun and shoots up this place? What if he looked at me because he's deciding whether to follow me outside and rape me in an alley. What if, after raping me in said alley, he kidnaps me and sells me into human sex trafficking, and I never see my son, my husband, or even Pennsylvania again? What if that lady back in the chip aisle that gave me a snobby look when I walked in is his accomplice, and she was just there to lull me into a false sense of security, because they think women are less intimidating?'
Yeah. That's what goes through my head. All. The. Fucking. Time. Not every now and then. ALL the time. I barely leave my home anymore because I'm terrified of everyone, everywhere. And not just people- freak accidents. I'm afraid I'll be walking down the sidewalk one day and a plane will stealthily land right on top of me. Or a car that's driving down a straight road with veer and run me over.
OH! Cars. Cars are so bad for me. Driving is something I haven't been able to really do...in so long. Because it's all well and good to be paranoid and anxious in a store, where you can just leave. But when you're on the highway, and there's someone behind you and you're thinking about how he's judging your driving, and you, and that he might at any moment pull out around you, pull over in front of you and slam his brakes, or pull up alongside you and pull out a gun and shoot you, or even just yell/scream/curse at you, or throw shit at you....that's....that's not okay. Cause then I shake. And then I can't hold the steering wheel. And then I'm fucked.
So anyway. That's why I checked myself in earlier today. To start getting REAL help with this shit. Since I've been telling myself that I didn't need help for so long....or that if I ignored it hard enough it wasn't really there (that shit was there though. That shit was so well established it had a condo, a 9-5 and a 401k).
Ultimately however, after evaluating me they decided that I was not an immediate danger to myself or anyone else. So they released me, but not before scheduling me to see a therapist and a psychologist. I'm feeling really good about it all.
NOW. On to the much much much better.
I got a job! A GOOD fucking job! I got a call this morning and the guy was like,
"So, we really love your resume....when could you start?"
I was like, "Oh, well, uh...I guess I'd like the standard two weeks. He said, "Uh huh, uh huh. How about 1 week?" I said I'd make it work. Then their HR person emailed me new hire paperwork, I filled it in faxed it back, and he emailed me again saying, 'So....could you start Monday?" and I said yes.
So I start Monday at an administrative assistant position on a contract with the Air National Guard. Making $21.90 an hour. $21.90. I'm still in shock of that. That's...the most I've ever made. I feel so....blessed? But not in a religious sense. I feel so lucky and fortunate. That's unheard of for someone in this area that has no college experience. SO excited!!!
I go to their office tomorrow to go over and sign my contract. I so can't wait!
I also see a therapist tomorrow on my own, and later in the day Blake and I have our first session of marriage counseling. Looking forward to working on some issues, and getting past them.
Whether we ultimately are able to work through things and get back together, or if we work through things and decide to truly divorce- as long as we can be calm, reasonable, and remain friendly for the sake of our son- and for eachother (we've been a constant in eachother's lives for 10 years- it's hard to just have that person go away forever), I will be happy, and at peace. -I- know that even if we did divorce, I won't die from it. If it happened, I will love again.
And with that, I say goodnight. Thank you again, over and over, for all the comments and concerns. You guys are awesome, and your words make me smile.